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 Best Story I Ever Wrote

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SinisteRing
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PostSubject: Best Story I Ever Wrote   Wed Dec 16, 2009 4:01 am

I’d Put a Title Here, But There’s No Few Words to Describe My Story…

What a strange thing, having a dream like I did… One that was so strange and so nondescript that I couldn’t even come up with a title for it. Even more strangely, it starts off so much worse. You’ll probably have one question on your mind after reading the first paragraph of this: Why don’t you know who’s who and what’s what? Well, it’s a dream, and sometimes you are put in someone else’s shoes and you have no idea who they are. That’s exactly what happened to me, and I usually don’t enjoy having to go through the process of getting to know myself and my very own surroundings. But let me tell you, it sure was fun being this guy.
It started off with me moving in with some people. Family, maybe, but I wasn’t entirely sure. As I’m moving in, I saw this girl across the street chopping wood out front of her house. I decided I’d take a short walk and help her out for a bit. After some long and awkward conversation, it turned out that the girl was my girlfriend. She insisted on helping me move in, so we went back into my house.
About five minutes later, we came out to get some more stuff and saw this strange, fuzzy air thing in the middle of the street. It looked like I was staring through glass, at a mist being blocked by a heat wave. It was hard to see through. Cows from my neighbors house (Yes, they apparently held cows inside their house for some reason…) started running into the fuzzy air, fading, and then disappearing.
My girlfriends’ neighbor, who happens to be her best friend, comes out of her house and starts screaming that people are starting to disappear. I didn’t ever get to know her name, so I mentally named her Lily for convenience. Suddenly, my vision went blurry and a strange time loop happens.
I was back at the time when I first started moving in. My girlfriend was yet again across the street chopping wood and all my stuff was back outside. I started living the same day over again, thinking it was just some crazy dream until the fuzzy air thing happened again. This time it didn’t loop back to the beginning. Instead, Lily ran back into her house and we followed after. When we arrived, she was gone.
My girlfriend and I started looking around for her in the house, and after a minute we split up. After about five minutes of searching, I hear a scream come from outside. I sprinted as fast as I could to the source, and came to a boarded window. I kicked it down and saw something carrying my girlfriend into the fuzzy air. I tried to make it out, but my vision goes blurry, and I was back to the beginning… again.
This time I knew it was no crazy dream, and I remembered exactly how everything will turn out. I decided I was going to change everything this time.
After helping my girlfriend chop wood, I tried to take her back into her house, but she insisted, yet again, on helping me move in, and I knew she wouldn’t change her mind. Everything happened exactly the same, except one thing. After that, we don’t split up after going to Lily’s house.
At around the same time, we both heard a scream from outside the boarded window again. We headed down there, and I kick the boards down again. This time, Lily was being carried into the fuzzy air. I tried to make out what was carrying her, like last time, but it disappeared before I could make out any helpful details.
My girlfriend started freaking out, so I made an attempt to calm her down. We ran to my house, trying to collect ourselves. We got there and headed up to my room. There we found my brother (knowing this only because my girlfriend had mentioned him and had pointed him out in our first conversation), and I mentally named him Tim.
The group of us debated about what was going on around the area, and finally decided to try and figure out exactly what was happening. We believed it had something to do with me moving in, or the house itself. Our plan was to search for anything suspicious or pointing towards any evidence that would explain what was occurring.
I was to search the second floor, my girlfriend the first floor, and my brother the basement. My father, or at least my brother’s father, was having guests over and they were talking about things I didn’t understand in a room upstairs. It was in English, but I just didn’t know what the topic was.
So I was sneaking around upstairs, looking around for any strange thing I can find. I didn’t come across anything for a while, and walk downstairs to find my girlfriend. We meet up in the living room, and she said she hadn’t found anything as well. Neither of us had seen Tim, so we decided to search the basement.
When we go there, my brother was trapped behind a locked door. There was a large keypad on the floor with strange symbols in front of it. It was outlined with a white dust, or chalk, that glowed faintly. It was the console to a mind puzzle to unlock the door.
It took a while to figure out all the symbols and what they meant, and was so very complicated that one could write an essay on how it was made. If one went beyond that, another essay could be written how to solve it and explaining why it was that way. But we eventually figured it out and let my brother out. He quickly thanked me, and then says he knew what was going on. He started to tell me, but my vision grows blurry and the time loop happens again. So far, it had only been in the most annoying of times.
This time, the only thing that repeated itself was the start, up to the point where we see Lily being carried into the fuzzy air. We go back to my house, and my girlfriend passes out on my bed. I descend down to find the guy trapped again, and free him. This time he came out all shadowy, like something had changed him. He seemed more protective of himself, and a little more… “passed to the dark side.”
I asked if anything was wrong, but he replied with a simple, yet effective, “No.” He said he had to check something out, so I let him out of the basement. I head back to my room and check on my girlfriend. She woke up when I got in the room.
After a minute, I had a strange feeling that it was going to time loop again. I tell my girlfriend all about it, and finish with, “Do not forget me.” It time loops on me.
This time, after the loop, everything seemed the same. It wasn’t. My girlfriend looked me in the eyes when I walked over to see her and said, “I didn’t forget you.” Both of us knew exactly what was going to happen, and tried to stop it again, like I had before. We simply couldn‘t. The world was working against us, and nothing we did was going to change that.
Everything happened pretty much the same, but my girlfriend acted a little cooler in the tough situations. After I saved my brother, I received a strange sensation pointing towards a place in the house. I ran over and check it out, leaving my girlfriend behind.
There was a door that was never there before. I entered and looked through all the drawers and things because it seemed like a normal room. The door slammed shut and locked itself, then finally sealed completely, and I can’t kick it open. After a little while, I started having trouble breathing. I shouted for someone to save me and help me get out of the room. Right as I was about to pass out from lack of oxygen, the door opened and my brother was standing there. I was gasping for air and his eyes were glowing a strange color and I just didn’t have the energy or willpower to ask what’s going on.
I passed out and the next thing I knew, it’s looped again. Everything happened the same, but when I get trapped in the room, no help comes. I was about to pass out and die when I heard a voice… a very weird, creepy voice that said something like “Awaken.”
I pass out yet again and awaken in some strange, pitch black place and couldn’t see anything at all. I shouted “Hello?” out into the emptiness, hoping for some type of answer.
After a few seconds, the strange, creepy voice replied from apparently nowhere “I told you to awaken, not pass out… Damn humans.” I didn’t say anything; I just started looking around for the voice, still unable to see anything.
I started falling for no apparent reason, and right before I felt I was going to hit the bottom, I woke up. I had passed out and dreamed that I not been saved by a strange voice. I felt much different at the time, much more powerful, and realized I could start blue fires with my mind now. I took the proper name of calling it Pyrotelekinesis. I burned the door from the wall with blue flames and escaped the room this time. I jumped out, gasping for air yet again.
In front of me was the brother, his eyes still glowing a strange green. I was looking up to him, still gasping for breath on the ground, and he looked down at me with extreme hate, stating “This is all your fault!” He threw me against the wall with his mind, showing me he had telekinesis. Then he picked up a lamp with his hands, and then rips the top of with his mind, making it a spear. Then he jammed it into my chest. As I was dying, time looped yet again.
This time, it was completely different. As I picked up a mirror to bring into the house at the beginning, I looked at myself to see my eyes were glowing a deep blue, just like the fire I had used to melt the door frame earlier. When we reached Lily’s house, I implode the boarded window with my blue fire, then shout “Stop!” at the creature carrying Lily into the fuzzy air.
It looked at me, then turned around and kept walking. I lit up a blue firewall in front of it, making it stop dead in its tracks.
“Drop her.” I said calmly. It did exactly as told, dropping Lily ungracefully on the ground, and then started walking towards me, clearly angry at me for messing with it.
“Take Lily into your house.” I tell my girlfriend. At this point, I ran to my right, forcing the creature into snarling and finally chasing after me.
I lit a ring of fire in the shape of an oval around us to keep it between just us two. The thing was green and ugly, with a strange axe in its hand. It let out a roar which had such intensity that it dropped me to my knees. It then charged me and slammed me into the ground with a huge leg. I passed out and return to the dark place I was in after passing out before.
“I’m impressed.” the creepy voice said. “That would’ve killed a normal human, but then again…” his voice trailed off as I began falling again. I woke up, but this time I looked different.
Physically, I’m the same. My clothes, too, were somewhat the same as well. However, I had a belt around my waist with a blade hanging on the right side. I was still in a ring of fire with the monster staring at me, my eyes glowing and all, but my body had a new, weird pulsating effect that makes everything around me blurry. It looked like waves of heat radiating from my very skin.
The monster jumped back with tremendous speed, backing away from me. I stood up, making the pulse stop, then drew my blade. I walked, calmly, over to the creature, struggling to stand after such a leap. I lopped off its head and quickly set the body ablaze.
I notice that my ring of fire had disappeared now, perhaps from my wanting it to, and ran to my girlfriends’ house. I enter stealthily because I can feel that something was wrong. Even equipped with a blade and the power to control fire, I was still afraid of what could come.
I enter through their huge garage and go around to the entrance of the actual house. I slowly open the door, blade in hand. A voice says “Why don’t you just give up?” I step through the door to find my girlfriends’ father standing over my girlfriend and her neighbor, not moving. He turns around, eyes glowing a weird amber.
Seeing my girlfriend laying there, I go into a rage. Her fathers’ sight shifts to her friends’ father, who was standing nearby. My eyes begin glowing a crimson onyx, or dark red. As I dash for him, my vision changes completely. I can use vision anywhere I want. I can see myself in third person, see what’s behind the two fathers’ backs, and whatever else I wanted to see I could.
Blade held at the ready, as I’m about to slice my girlfriends’ father in half, the time loop happens. Everything again happens the same, only my eyes are a crimson onyx now, not the deep blue.
After entering, the father changes his words. He says “Why do you persist? What was in it for you? Why not just give in and accept the inevitability?” Then the scenery changes, and I’m outside near their shed. The two fathers step out from either side, but the one who was my girlfriends’ friends’ father has changed to the owner of the house I was moving into. I begin drawing my blade, but they stop me with their minds.
My girlfriends’ fathers’ eyes are the amber color still, but the owners was a dazzling purple. The purple-eyed man says “You’ll never win, just give up and stop looping. We will always defeat you!”
I’m lost at this point. I’m back in the pitch black room and the voice says “Really? You’re going to be their bitch?” Right then, I fall again and am back in my senses. I draw my blade and dash forward, now again near the shed. I draw my blade and dash forward, conjuring a wall of fire behind me to keep any onlookers from seeing what I was doing. I didn’t know that I was the one looping… until all of this started happening I thought I was a normal human. But it turns out I’m not. I’m the start of a new evolution in human kind.
The two men jump out of the way, one to either side again. I went after the amber-eyed one, because he’d pissed me off last loop. When he tried to evade my slash, I cut clean into him. As the top part of his body falls to the ground, it explodes into flames which engulf me. Something puts the flames out, not knowing what and not caring either, so I charge toward the purple-eyed man.
Just as I’m about to decapitate him, he teleports behind me into a close enough range to hit me square in the back of the head with anything he had. I don’t had to turn around to face him to see that he’s just like the monster I’d killed earlier, but not the same. He’s bigger, wearing armor, and has a larger, more deadly-looking axe.
I manage to mumble a swear under my breath before he slams the axe down on top of me… or at least where I was standing just a moment ago. I somehow mimicked his teleport and was on top of his shoulders. My crimson onyx eyes got a bluish tint to them on the outside, and my blade slides between his eyes.
I jump off and over my wall of fire, landing beside my girlfriend as the monster explodes.
My girlfriend was curled up, crying. I drop my blade and kneel down beside her, putting my arms around her. We stayed like that for a while until she whispers “You need to kill me…”
I let go and shout “What? Why the hell would I do that? Why would you even say something like that?”
She looks up at me, face drenched in tears, and says “Because that was my father. That means I must be one of them, too…” She picks up my blade and forces it into my hand and says “Please… I don’t want to turn into one of those things and try to kill you.”
Even while her vision was blurry with the tears; I grab the actual blade of the sword with my other hand and break it in half. Blood dripping from my hand, she looks back in my eyes as I say “I would never kill you. Even if you are one, I wont do it.” I stood and turned around, dropping the broken blade which evaporates almost immediately as it falls to the ground. She looks down then up at my back.
My head bowed, eyes shut tight, and blood dripping from my left hand, my girlfriend comes around to face me from the front. As she does so, the ground begins to tremble, then breaking apart, magma spewing forth from the wounds in the earth.
Neither of us had a clue about what’s going on. Just then I get a vision of the fuzzy air. I throw her over my shoulder and ran into the fuzzy air, dodging the magma and leaping over the chasms. I stop right in front of it and set her down. I say “I don’t think we had a choice…”
She took my hand and, using my perspective ability, see myself through her eyes. My eyes are glowing just blue, though a darker blue than it ever was before. Then we both take one last look at the crumbling earth and jump in.
Want to know the funniest part of the story? After we jumped in, everything went black. Then “To Be Continued…” appeared in letters that resembled my glowing eyes.
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Dragonheart91
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PostSubject: Re: Best Story I Ever Wrote   Wed Dec 16, 2009 4:18 am

Epic long. Will read later. Must sleep now.
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Jay.J
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PostSubject: Re: Best Story I Ever Wrote   Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:01 pm


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SinisteRing
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PostSubject: Re: Best Story I Ever Wrote   Wed Dec 16, 2009 8:03 pm

Jay.J wrote:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191&CJAID=10409403&CJPID=3727850

This story is too epic.
I read that before. That one is jokes/real. Mine is serious/fantasy... but it's incredibly awesome. Smile
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Dragonheart91
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PostSubject: Re: Best Story I Ever Wrote   Thu Dec 17, 2009 12:12 am

Kinda amusing, but it got old after a while even with the increased action. That's probably due to lack of character development making me not give a shit about any of the people.

Also, some definitions for you. (Roughly using my own guestimates from the Latin roots.)

Telekinesis is using your mind to affect something at a distance.

Pyrokinesis is the correct term for lighting something on fire with your mind.

Pyrotelekinesis means lighting something on fire with your mind at a significant distance.


Technically your word choice could be correct, but the standard word used is pyrokinesis even when the ability works to any range within vision. That would lead me to think that when you said "pyrotelekinesis" you meant burning things at GREAT distances. (E.G. places you couldn't see or places miles away or etc. Probably also combined with Far Sight in order to "target" your pyrotelekinesis.)



Oh, and I have epic dreams like this sometimes. Maybe I should write it down next time instead of just forgetting it and moving on with my life...


Last edited by Dragonheart91 on Thu Dec 17, 2009 12:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
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SinisteRing
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PostSubject: Re: Best Story I Ever Wrote   Thu Dec 17, 2009 2:56 am

Dragonheart91 wrote:
Telekinesis is using your mind to effect something at a distance.
Don't expect me to believe that your English is correct when you make a mistake trying to explain it. Smile

Your lack of revision affected your piece and made it less believable.
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PostSubject: Re: Best Story I Ever Wrote   Thu Dec 17, 2009 6:00 am

Jay.J wrote:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191&CJAID=10409403&CJPID=3727850

This story is too epic.

I feel like you have just linked me to a site specifically tailored for douchebags. What kind of person won't use a public restroom but rather insists on "pee bottles?" Holy crap... my life is scarred yet somehow enriched to know that I will never, ever be that retarded. Ever.

On the original Topic:

I liked it, until it turned into a videogame fantasy world where you, essentially (your character essentially, 'scuse me), "level up" to fight increasingly difficult bosses with a "Prince of Persia" style time mechanic and absolutely no logical sense whatsoever. True, the story doesn't need to make sense, but I think it needs to make a point. Even J's thing had the tenuous point of "always bring your pee bottles" with an undertone of "don't be douchebag like this idiot."

Your story was highly entertaining but very descriptive in a telling rather than showing kind of way. I enjoyed your Onyx red description (I think that was it?) but then you kind of broke that coolness by saying "a dark red." Story is epic, it has potential, but could use works.

But hey, at least you're not a douchebag who needs piss-bottles.
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